I put holes in my new jeans for you.

So from various observations I realized that for as many times that i've felt rejected I have done the same to others times a 100.

In my head I need something to make it all just come together. The whys and the why nots need some kind of answer which one ends up dwelling upon for longer than needed. Time is what will make it go away because sooner or later you stop giving a fuck haha I believe it's still harsh because it's been a few years since i let my heart take over my brain and what I feared most ended up happening and thus I feel like an idiot.

I should have known better, I have should have noticed that for some reason when you treat people like shit they want you more, treat them nicely and they don't take. So where is the happy median in that? I suppose that's what it means to know you've met a soul mate of some kind. The time period when you find a nice in between and the compromises are equal and heart felt.

who knows. I almost like feeling this way, the anxiety you get from asking oh what are the up to now? who are they with? did they get together while I was with them? is a weird creative drive.

I've also realized that I'm no longer at an age where just any girl will do. If i want something physical, i can get that, not to be cocky, but that's not a difficult thing to achieve. The hard part is finding something far more tangible and where the longing is sufficient, where it hurts not to be around them, where one smile or glimpse sends your muscles vibrating with warmth.

I have felt that two times in my life..almost three as of last month but i don't know if it was right anymore.

the crappy thing is knowing that it's going to happen again and again. What's that quote from almost famous?

"if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, if you never get hurt, then you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and visit your friends."

too bad record stores are shutting down left and right, and even if I could find one..my friends wouldn't be there haha

I wonder if the itunes store has a chat room? haha go dorky panda.