Mi Famlia, Mi Madre

For as long as I can remember, well so far as my formative ages go, it has always been just me and my mother. People I think feel sorry for me at times because I didn't have a father to really teach me how to be a "man", but never the less it wasn't needed, my mother was always just there in both respects.

I am almost 23 but feel older, I think those that grow up with just a mother in their lives tend to force themselves into a seriousness that is expressed in the face, and most tend to become writers, artists or dramatics. For me I am a wanting film maker, so its simply normal in my situation.

Sometimes I think I am afraid to meet him face to face again, see how he's aged, is that what i'll look like when I'm older? I've been told we are the spitting image of each other. It also makes me think of what it might be like for my mother, seeing me day to day, growing into more of his image, seeing his face in mine and his smile in my laughter. Was she angry? Did she feel resentment towards me? I would like to think so, he certainly was no prince charming. Regardless, her self sacrifices are acts to prove that despite of what he did, I am my own re-established person and thus should be molded in a new fashion, a better fashion, her image.

I would like to think I have the strength in me to do some of the things my mother has done, her life reads like a story book, while mine looks like a blurred mirage of drunken weekends, one night stands, over embellished high school romances that broke my view of forming a meaningful relationship with anyone. I really have become like both my mother and father in certain respects, I am perfectly happy growing older alone with no real place to call home just like her and did my past of wildness like him.

Not to say that my mother is happy being alone, I can see how heart broken she is being half a world away from her own mother.

The things parents do to make sure kids can go on just out stands me, how anyone can be so neglecting of their own lives for another. However, I guess thats just it. When you have a child you no longer live for you, but for another human being and thats how your life will be until you die.

Its a matter of age and relevance, in ten years i am sure my perspective will have changed.

The hardest part of studying human emotion to capture it accurately on film is having to dwelve into your own demons, past and hidden secrets which hurt and bring back things i spent years trying to forget. I guess understanding the pain will make me a better film maker, but for now, it's just making me cry.